wat a day i had today.. it started with Andrew Chia's class of Civil Pro tut and it was way noisy.. mainly comin' from me, Azila, Shahana and Ling.. haha.. Ling's been a fun girlfriend lately.. entertainin' us.. hehe.. sowwie.. so ya.. and we found out tt Andrew Chia was born somewhere in 1950s.. he did not want to disclose his actual age lar.. so.. even den.. we had good laughs.. i mean we got to right..? the rest of the class looked dead la.. very borin' u noe.. so den he insisted to separate us into groups again to do the tutorial wen it's like so straightfoward.. the four of us end up talkin' and divertin' instead.. Andrew Chia joined us la.. chat here chat there.. so finally class ended.. we went fer lunch..! Azila was hungry.. of coz she was.. she did not eat the day before.. she had her interview.. durin' lunch she don't want to eat.. and i thot she would eat her dinner.. but she told me tt there's no food at home.. so she ate biscuits.. i salute u girl.. =) i would have gotten out to get sth lar.. next time.. pls don't try to starve urself ah.. the rest of sch was borin' esp MLOCT lect.. it made me sleeeepy.. attendance was made compulsory by our Ms Jane Marie Ng.. after lect.. we juz lepak outside LT 18 and make noise.. of coz we have the big and loud laughers there.. who else if not Azila, Azhani, Soffie and...... me.. haha.. thanks to Adnan who joined us and made us laughed so hard my cheeks hurts.. haha.. of coz it would.. so chubby tt most of my facial muscles are used.. and it didn't help Azila alot coz her tummy hurts from laughin' too much.. haha.. Azhani was worse coz she nearly went under the table to roll on the floor.. =)

well.. the rest of my day was spent thinkin' abt stuff u noe.. things tt i haven't been able to face and get over.. Azila asked me.. asal dier duduk sebelah dier tu.. i turned and i saw.. i didn't noe wat to say.. maybe i don't want to say anythin'.. so i said.. maybe dier suka tak.. and she went like eeeww.. haha.. sweet fren of mine.. so she told me tt there are better guys out there.. even Elainne said the same thing to me.. so did my bro Faiz.. Nic.. Matt.. Yanling.. Jacky.. Ivan.. Jack.. GuoRong.. so on.. guys.. thanks so much fer supportin' me and makin' my journey thru tis easier than it would be if i was alone.. still there's no denial tt it's still very hard.. i treasure u guys so much.. thanks fer understandin'.. a better guy out there..? how can i be so sure tt he'll love me.. how can i be sure tt i'll love him..? even if there are guys out there who are waitin'.. how can i afford to love 'em with my whole heart..? i gave him all of my heart and it ended broken by my own selfishness.. i don't think i can afford to love another.. i can't forgive myself fer the way tt i was durin' the relationship.. i can't forget the promises tt i made which i broke.. i hate myself fer not bein' understandin' and not listenin'.. i can't stop regrettin' not changin'.. i can't stop askin' myself why i had not tried harder.. i continued thinkin' and wonderin' how things would be like if i had changed my ways.. would it have been better..? would it have been as easy as it may seem..? would i be able to have the friendships tt i'm havin' now..? would i have been happier if i kept my word..? i don't know..

one thing i know fer sure is tt i am growin' stronger with the support of my family and friends.. i'm still hurtin' and i know it's not gonna be a fast recovery.. the wound's too deep to be healed.. as fer now.. i shall treasure wat i have and be glad tt life's still beautiful the way it is.. millions of thanks to all the people who were there fer me all this while.. i love u loads..! *winks*

"i'm not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know. i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be. a reason to start over new, and the reason is you.
i'm sorry that i hurt you, its something i must live with everyday and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears, that's why i need you to hear
i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be a reason to start over new, and the reason is you. i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know. i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be. a reason to start over new, and the reason is you. i've found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know. a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you"
-The Reason, Hoobastank

finally..! thank god i was able to upload my pics and changed my blog's skin.. it was a disaster on sat.. me tryin' to edit everythin' and unable to.. haha.. thanks to tis dude i know who showed it to me today.. *winks*

man.. i can't believe i skipped Civil Pro lect just to go home and end up editin' my blog.. Shahana....... borrow notes.. pretty please.. with cherry on top.. haha.. till today, i still dunno know wat's with the cherry.. heez.. i feel good..! grooovin' to "Like Glue".. my most-est.. favouritest one from Sean Paul.. you rawk dude..!

to Azila.. the bestest of luck fer your interview and like i said.. smile your sweetest smile.. and if it still don't werk.. u might wanna try wat Izad had suggested durin' lunch.. haha.. sowwie mom.. playin' only la.. =)

aight.. i wanna go have a cat nap before i go fetch my lil bro from sch..


snuggle.. snuggle.. so damn cute.....!!

aww... man.. mloct really really sucks la.. makin' me lose sleep every sun nite.. i'm still not done with the marketing thingy.. and wat the heck.. i don't even know wat's the purpose of all this la.. den again it's all my fault fer not startin' earlier.. haha.. so alright.. daddy paid the Starhub bill and now i am officially back online..! miz me peeps..? haha..

i found out from Elainne tt today was Chee Keong's last day.. thank god..! i have no idea whether he was terminated or he tendered.. but whatever it is.. i'm glad i so do not need to work with him no more.. selfish, egoistic arse.. he dare argue with me abt stuff at werk wen i werked here fer like comin' to 2 yrs la.. toodles dude.. get lost.. haha..

work was cool coz we were short of one staff.. so basically i had to do cashier and support all at one time.. it sucked.. ee.. well to make things better.. i had Shimin as the 2nd cashier and boy was she "fast".. not to be mean or wat la.. but at the rate that she's goin'.. i handled 3 customers while she 1.. man.. sowwie girl.. occassionally that lazy bummer mgr of mine.. Derrick.. came in to help.. still i managed on my own and now i'm havin' backache.. alamak.. the guys at werk were exceptionally horny today.. and yes i'm talkin' abt the chefs.. haha.. not fer Gilbert tho'.. he's been sweet lately.. we talked while doin' closing and he asked whether i like caucasions.. haha.. i have no idea why tt qtn.. he was nice too yesterday after werk.. we hit the day's sales target and Derrick lost his bet with me and bought kfc as he promised.. i was bein' myself by juz whinin' abt no one takin fer me a piece of drumstick.. and Gilbert stood up from his seat and offered to get it fer me..! he went to get one drum fer me and even asked me whether i wanted anythin' else.. wat a sweet gentleman.. haha.. okie okie.. back to reality..

looks like Izad's right.. i wun be sleepin' tonite.. damn.. my back hurts.. haiz.. gonna go back to mloct now.. toodles fer now.. to Chee Keong.. nitez to the rest of you sweet.. adorable people out there.. to Gilbert.. *winks*

i am finishin' tis book, "Highland Velvet" by Jude Deveraux.. i realized how similar the female lead in the book is to me.. i see myself.. my character.. my ways.. it felt as tho' i was readin' and knowin' more abt myself.. well not really.. it kinda showed me wat kind of person i am..

she is named Brownyn and he's called Stephen.. forced to be married by the English King.. durin' the journey of their married life, they began to learn new things abt 'emselves tt they never knew they would come to.. an Englishman who hated Scots became one for the sake of his love.. he changed his manners to show her how much he loves her.. he welcomed the changes in his life fer her.. he did everythin' in the world to protect her from the horrible things in life.. he made sweet, sweet love to her.. in short, he was the perfect man.. she on the other hand refuses to accept him fer all tt he's done.. she continues to doubt his love and had difficulties in trustin' him.. all tt he has done had not made her see his love fer her.. she was blinded by the fact tt he's an Englishman whom she had learned to hate all her life.. she did not learn to appreciate him.. things started to change and she had come to terms of realizing wat she meant to him.. she decided to change her ways and be the faithful wife to dear Stephen.. one who listens to her husband and is not defiant.. well she managed to change her ways and believed tt he loved her fer who she is.. they lived happily ever after..

funny ain't it.. wat love can make one do.. all the wierd, strange things in life.. wat is love..? is it love wen ur heart flutters every time u see him? or is it just infatuation..? is it love wen ur heart beats so fast every time he touches u? or is it just lust..? i can't define wat love is definitely.. one thing i know fer sure is tt i have been in love.. i've had my fair share of relationship till now.. wierd things tt i know of.. a friend told me tt he becomes different once he's in a relationship.. from the cheeky, naughty him to a more serious and faithful lover.. he said tt probably girls are attracted to him fer his cheekiness.. and once they become lovers, they tend to move away from him coz he's not cheeky no more.. he did not want to hurt her.. he feared.. he respected her fer who she is.. in the end, she turned her back against him.. a girlfriend of mine would go all the way to do things fer her lover.. she would go thru all the verbal abuse he would freely use against her.. he calls her a bitch.. asked her to change despite of his incorrigible manners.. she goes all out to make him happy.. he takes out his anger at her.. he used her.. after all tt, she still stood by him till now.. i asked her why.. she said she love him.. is this love..? or is this plain stupidity.. look at wat love does to someone..

it's funny how different i become wen i am in love.. i turn to be someone who's selfish, demanding, possessive, green-eyed monster.. in simpler words, i am a horrible lover.. i have no idea why i possess these traits.. why do i have to be the way i am..?

fer the past one and a half year, we've been thru too much arguments abt my selfishness.. me not understanding enough.. me bein' too demandin'.. i promised to change my ways.. i gave him my word tt i will be a better lover.. promises after promises.. they end up broken.. are promises really meant to be broken..? i love him so much i can't let go.. so i ended up promisin' him things tt i myself did not know i can't do.. i always go back to bein' the selfish me.. all along he sacrificed fer me.. he protected me.. he showed me how to love.. he gave me hope to believe.. he made me strong whenever i'm with him.. he does sweet little things to show me tt he cares.. he carried me in his arms wen i fall.. he held my hands wen i'm lost.. he loved me..

i love him too.. with all my heart.. despite tis.. i can't change my ways.. why do i have to be tis way..? why do i have to show him tt i love him by potrayin' these traits..? i hate myself.. am i to not love so tt i can have a relationship..? wen i love, it hurts him.. why do i have to hurt him so much juz to show him tt i care.. i have loved and i have lost.. he can't see himself hurt anymore.. he wants things to end.. but why? doesn't he love me anymore..? yes he said.. he still do.. then why? would endin' things be better fer both of us..? i'm in pain.. i know it's a good thing fer him coz he's free from me.. from my selfish ways.. my demandingness.. i never appreciated things he had done fer me.. i never once cared of his feelings but mine only.. i was so selfish.. things did not end up like Brownyn and Stephen.. it only happens in novels.. now i face the consequence of losin' him.. all coz of my demands.. i pushed love away from me..

a friend said this to me.. "like birds.. let us leave behind wat we don't need to carry - grudges, sadness, pain, fears and regrets. fly light. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! ENJOY IT!"

i know wat he means.. but how can life be beautiful without the one u love.. how can u not carry regrets wen u are the cause of ur own pain.. how can u not have sadness wen the one u love dearly doesn't want u no more.. i've been a fool.. i pushed my love away from me.. i'm still holdin' on.. god give me the courage..

"..there's juz too much tt time cannot erase.."

yesterday.. we all went to Seoul Garden fer a feast to celebrate Azhani's and Shahana's belated and Sin Ping's comin' birthdays..! well.. we all arrived much earlier and had begun our feast like hungry ghosts..! haha.. pardon me Azila.. fer usin' this word.. i know we agreed not to talk abt ghosts anymore after wat happened.. opps.. haha.. i wonder whether the rest got a bit of wat we had..? scary.. so ya.. back to Seoul Garden.. it was a havoc lunch with 10 people conquerin' the corner.. makin noise as tho' they own the place.. haha.. well.. it was time to find out who can last the longest.. my definite bet would be either Haider or Izad.. Izad well known fer his expandable tummy and huge appetite.. haha..

so here we go with the survival of the "gelojohs".. we went in at 12pm.. me, Azila, Ana and Sin ping were at the corner.. on our left we have Shahana, Vit, Yanie and Soffie.. 2 tables away we have Apri, Mylene, Shireen and Izad.. last table we have Hanif sittin' alone (Izad joined him later.. Haider too..).. everybody started diggin' in.. the time showed 1pm and along came Haider.. i was nearly givin' up.. halfway thru'.. it's only been an hour and a half and it feels like forever.. haha.. i began slowin' down.. the other tables are still goin' strong.. Shahana and Yanie catchin' Azila's attention coz they're not givin' up yet.. not to be compared to Soffie tho'.. this petite girl seems like she can eat 10 cows.. juz kiddin'..! haha.. Vit not really eatin' alot.. hmm..

lookin' over the next table.. i saw everyone seriously eating and seemed not bothered with wat's around em.. haha.. esp Apri.. hmm.. our table.. disaster.. food tt were done by Ana and Sin Ping were mostly erm.. charcoaled.. haha.. had to have our mummy to cook fer em.. me and Azila can't stop laughin' at the funny ways of Ana and Sin Ping handlin' their food.. haha.. so it happened wen Ana wanted to eat the wierd lookin', green coloured noodle.. we decided to boil it fer her den.. it looks so nice and taste yet so delicious.. haha.. the soup started to thicken and it look so gooey.. it was way too gross fer consumption.. me and Azila took a bite and agreed tt Ana should finish it coz it was fer her after all.. the plate went around and in the end the poor crew cleared it away from the rack..

so then wen it was about 215pm, Azhani came and she conquered the Apri's table and began her feast.. =) everyone started to sit around the other 2 tables and continued with their lunch.. the other 2 tables were gone-ded.. so the rest started to lepak eatin' ice cream and all.. so wen it was about the end of the feast, i officially declared Apri as the winner of the "gelojohs" coz he's the one who never stopped eatin' even.. from the start to the end.. kudos to u man.. haha.. he eats damn alot and he has no tummy at all..!! even Izad lost to him.. now we know who has a bigger tummy.. =p as fer Haider, he was a disappointment.. i expected him to eat more but he ate only as much as i did.. haha.. wat to do.. someone wants to maintain his weight..

so Apri congrats..! hehe.. aight.. as fer the rest of the night.. it was history.. so much fer wantin' to watch a scary movie.. Sisters?? Undead?? haha.. both shows were crap la.. in my opinion la.. in the end we watched Singapore Idol and we even voted fer em..! Azila fer David Yeo, Haider fer Jaesse and Azhani fer Olinda.. sadly fer Soffie, her idol was declared the worst fer the night.. haha.. chill girl..

so right.. i had fun with the gang and it's way cool to hang out with em.. haha.. great frenz i have now.. =) aight, tatz all fer now.. till i see u again.. take care..!

i begin to dread goin' to sch.. i have no idea why.. i'm gettin' along well with ma frenz (da gang) and they all have been nice and great to me (Nic who listens to me wen i need her and Rach who understands without even listenin').. i luuuurve u guys.. *winks* tho' not all may have known.. i feel tt the rest welcomes me with open arms.. today was bad coz i was so upset tt i teared in lecture.. the fact tt he was happy the way he was.. it made me tink of moments we shared.. he said tt he'll be my fren.. but wat fren don't talk to u and jokes with the rest..? i don't know.. maybe i am juz bein' paranoid and takin' things too emotionally.. but wat the heck.. i am a woman and i am emotional.. i juz can't help u noe.. it's wen u feel tt things are juz so bad and against u tt u juz feels weak.. i guess my feelings juz gave way.. it hurts la.. i talked to a fren who was willin' to listen and gave me a shoulder to hang on to.. he gave me advices tt i know i should have done but can't bring myself to.. it was a relief to have let it all out.. knowin' tt i have someone to look for wen i have problems.. haha.. thanks dude..! treasure it loads tho' i kinda busted ur hp bill.. sowwie..

but wat can i do..? life still goes on.. is it fair? i have no idea.. it's only my fault tt i don't treasure the things tt i have.. now tt i've lost, i'm crying every night to sleep..

i'm holdin' on..

i decided to drop by again coz i am done with my individual stuff for mloct!! yay!! haha.. and the best thing is that both haider and izad got punked by me!! haha.. they thot that i was coming over to haider's place..! funny.. tho' it was possible.. haha..

kelvin still haven't send me the report and i tink he's mean not to let us have a fair share of work.. hmM.. anyway.. he msg me on msn.. i was quite shocked.. i was in a dilemma whether or not to reply but of coz i did.. i still am ponderin' whether it was right or not.. the conversation ended just like that and it is kinda sad to see us like that.. honestly, my heart was pumping like mad! i was actually nervous.. i bet that's how rach would feel when she meets him tomolo.. right girl..?

well.. both of us have gone thru alot in love.. sadly, we seem to be having the same problem then and now.. what luck.. in a way.. it made us stronger.. i tink.. haha.. being in the situation that i am in right now taught me alot of things.. it helped me gained back friendships that i used to have.. friends that are always there for me but me never seem to have time for them.. it is a sad situation u noe.. my friends are here now with me.. going on strong esp rach.. u noe what we are facing now eh..

she did not loved and she has lost.. it hurts real bad.. it does honestly.. even more for one who's hanging by the little tiny string that is given to her by the one she loves.. she's hurt but is still loving.. hoping.. that someday things will be alright.. everyday she hopes for him to hold her in his arms and whispers to her ears how much he loves her.. she'll hug him back and tells him that she loves him more than anything in the world.. they'll hold hands and walk down the sandy beach just like they used to.. watching stars and cuddling up to each other's warmth..

life is a choice.. choose well..

it's been sometime since i have created this account for myself.. however, i never got down to getting it started.. somehow.. i feel the urge to do so tonight. i'm not at home as my internet's down.. daddy did not pay the bill la.. so here i am at rach's house playing around with her comp in the middle of the night.. i have a feeling that her parents are gonna kick me out if i continue to make so much noise with the keyboard!! she's here with me laughing and reading what i'm typing..

so why have i decided to start it?? i guess this is another way for me to relieve my pain and anguish and to remember moments that are meant to be cherished.. i was afraid of ppl reading my blog and having to find out things about my life.. i feared.. that people would look at me differently and hate me or stuff.. u noe.. but tonight.. i thought, people do not necessarily need to know my url right?? haha..

so till i have something to say.. i shall leave now coz i tink rach's gonna fall asleep... anyway girl, u have been officially accepted to visit my blog anytime!!! yay!! toodles fer now!