oooh yea...

i finally met up with Rafi'i.. after turnin him down like forever.. the last time tt i saw him was 2 weeks back i think.. wen me, Hafiz and him chilled out at Woodlands..

so yea.. the reason why we met was becoz he wanted to talk to me abt sth tt i introduced him to last year.. i didn't really figure it out coz i didn't noe tt he'll be interested.. why not? since his was a flop.. good to noe tt he finally saw the light... hahaha..

towards the end of the conversation... it was gettin to the part where i always try to avoid each time we talk.. coz he juz can't accept it...

so are you attached?

well, i'm seein someone..

oh okie..

(we said goodbye and he took the train and i took the cab.. conversation continued via SMS..)

i juz thot of askin u fer a patch up..

i sooooo knew tt was comin.. so yea.. i didn't reply his msg till i get home.. and den he took things seriously.. haiz.. i noe i shldn't haf like played with him or sth.. but still.. why is he takin me fer real wen he noes i'm seein someone.. and like the many times before.. i've made it clear to him tt itz impossible fer us to be together.. never again.. doesn't it stick into his head.. does he need me to drill it in again and again.. haiz..

so yea.. like i said... i'd nvr leave u to go back to him.. nvr in my life.. wld i do tt.. ever.. *kisSes*

the talk has ended.. itz the final one.. i figured out wat was the problem with me.. oh wait.. itz more like wat were the problems with me.. heh.

- firstly, i progress toooo freakin slowly..
- secondly, i'm forever oblivious to my surroundings.. or maybe i choose to see things tt i only wanna see..
- thirdly, i'm in the comfort zone i.e. the danger zone..
- fourthly, i'm still confused.. or rather messed up.. or unsure.. definitely, indecisive..
- lastly, I"M STILL NOT ACCEPTIN THE FACT TT I"M IN J8!!

hahaha.. well.. the reason as to why i am not motivated is simply becoz i'm not werkin in the environment tt i like.. i werk best with ppl i like.. i do things best wen i'm surrounded by ppl i'm comfortable with.. i werk well under pressure with the ppl i choose..

and i thot tt i was able to werk well here.. not tt i dun like any one of them.. definitely we're fine with each other.. but after 7 mths.. i still dun see anythin similar tt i can rely on.. itz not gonna be the same..

quoting frm Nik;
i can adapt to the environment. but tt dun mean tt i like it.

i totally agree with tt.. itz a comfort level tt i can dun tink i can ever achieve with em.. maybe i choose not to.. like i said.. bein oblivious.. and to tink tt comparisons are made every now and den..

she's an efficient worker.. i dun need to tell her to do anythin.. she's independent..
i can leave her and noe tt things' be alright..
she noes when i'm angry and she has tis way of soothin my anger..
i can never be angry at her..
she's someone i can really rely on without any worries..
blah blah blah!

i super hate it wen comparisons bein made.. is she still not acceptin the fact tt her PERFECT right hand woman's gone?! and tt she has to werk with me and my werkin styles' different.. can't she accept the way i am? am i supposed to be the person she wants me to be? she asked me abt my intentions.. my goals.. my wants..

she was amazed by it.. but somehow.. she said, she dun seem to see much frm me.. well, i noe i've been makin changes.. but itz not enuff isn't it..

i tink i'll be contructive.. i wun look at it as tho she's makin comparisons coz she's biased towards the other person.. i'll take it as such tt she wants me to follow a good example.. she wants me to be an achiever juz like the other person.. she wants to push me further than where i am right now.. she wants me to be hungry fer wat i want.. and not juz knowin my wants and gettin it done..

and right now.. i gotta work towards all that twice as hard..

You Are Medium Maintenance

You aren't as hard to deal with as some girlsBut you aren't the most laid back chick eitherYou're easy to deal with 90% of the time, but watch out for that 10%!If the guy you are with has good intentions, then calm down a littleBut if he's really screwing up, don't waste your breath - move on :-)

Are You High Maintenance?

The Bottom Line
Don't react emotionally to a mean-spirited comment today. Rise above the pettiness.

In Detail
No matter who you associate with or how long you've actually known them, ever notice that you just can't seem to avoid being put in charge of something? You're probably used to it by now -- and at least half of you actually enjoys it. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't enjoy a day off every now and then to relax and let someone else take charge. Well, here's your chance. Just Say No!

say no?! ttz hard.. i'm not the kind who would do tt.. i tend to be nice and hence the difficulty in sayin no.. i'd agree to do anythin within my means.. sure.. why not.. if i can do it, i will.. den again.. i always take things in and sometimes, it ends up bein over my capacity.. and somehow, itz too late to say no.. coz i agreed to do it.. get it done.. and give the best i can give..

so wat happened since the last time i blogged..

mmm.. i had requested off days fer 23rd and 24th coz it was CWP's bbq as well as Nik's 21st bdae... so yea.. i didn't really had much suprise in hand.. not well planned.. and my plans went busted somewhat.. but i noe i had a fun time buyin the prezzie fer Nik.. and how i was again busted.. fer bein in town with my brothers on a school nite.. haha..

the bestest part of everythin tt i liked was the mulberry candles i had placed in the box.. *grinZ* i'd get tt and place it in my room soon enuff.. haha.. secondly, it was Nik wearin my prezzie.. daym cute! i like! hahaha.. thirdly, is how posh a place like tt can look like.. i mean like i was wow-ed! gonna go back der again.. soon i hope! heh. fourth, no matter how i try to run.. i will always be wet at such events.. thank god Nik brought a shirt fer me.. *hugZ* imagine how bad it would be if i were to run.. i'd rather volunteer myself and safe everyone the trouble.. hahaha.. fifth, itz the fact tt Nik get to see my "second family" before my blood family.. hahaha.. yea.. and Ivan was der.. clash! bam! nah.. nth happened between the guys.. it was cool to see him again.. definitely nth serious between me and him.. itz always fun how we are always talked abt.. *winkZ*

on the 25th.. Nik invited everyone to his place fer his party.. it was great! i was introduced to everyone.. so at the end of the nite.. i kinda end up not knowin half the ppl i was introduced to.. hahaha.. and his parents are cute.. somewhat like my parents.. in a way.. pretty easygoin folks.. i was nervous.. yea.. i was shy.. as usual.. hahaha.. but i did enjoy myself.. finally met Edwin in person.. and den i met another "twin" of mine.. Fadilah.. haha.. so yea.. they call him Dila too.. or Dil or watever la.. he's a nice chap.. and he stays in Sengkang also, Anchorvale.. like freakin coincidence right.. but den right.. i kinda find his face familiar.. i dunno.. haha.. i find alot of ppl's faces familiar.. but not really noe em.. oooh well.. Ab and Sof were der too.. and qtns were shot without any mercy.. hahaha.. and Syai and Nana.. and den Hanif and his gf.. and den Shaz.. and den Farhan.. and den Shireen..

it was fun.. later at nite.. it was laughter and more laughter.. pure entertainment!

okie.. any other business?? ooh yea.. Jizzete kinda got screwed by Amaida.. or rather Amaida is pissed with Jizzete.. i asked around.. found out details.. heard Jizzete's side.. not yet Amaida's.. she didn't msged me abt anythin.. oh well.. i dunno.. maybe i'll ask her wen i see her on tues..

Marilou from Parkway was scared of me.. coz she thot i was like Amaida.. juz coz i was from J8.. hahaha.. oh yea.. i was at Parkway on sat and it was not tt bad werkin der.. juz the journey time tt sucked real bad! mmm.. gonna be der again tomz.. bummer! okiez.. i wanna go home now.. call my prince.. and den go to bed coz i had freakin 2 hrs of sleep only..

p/s: MTV's Coby ate at our outlet today! not the first time tho.. it was hilarious how Harris wanted to say tt he served Coby.. instead, it went "i was served by him!".. haha.. i was luffin my ass off.. still am right now.. hahaha..

oh yea.. it does makes me feel complete..
to haf a closure.. to face the problem.. not runnin away from it..

i knew i wanted to talk to him.. i made up my mind.. and it didn't help tt i tossed a coin.. and even the coin agreed with my initial intention..

so yea.. i gathered my guts and to him i went..

hey, you got a minute? i need to talk to you..

sure.. i've been wantin to talk to you..

oh really..

yea.. i juz wanna tell you tt watever it is.. work is still work.. i may be a bastard.. but wen it comes to work.. juz fuck it..

i understand.. i noe you haf all the pressure.. from everywhere..

yea.. and i wanna apologize to you.. i noe i haven't been the easiest person to werk with.. i noe i've been hard on you.. but i hope tt you will be able to werk well with him (points to the new guy).. he's a nice guy...

i noe (well, sure he is..).. i hope tt the new place will be of a better werkin environment.. now tt you dun need to deal with me (laughs)..

nah.. you got to help your boss out.. in every way.. you noe she needs you..

great.. i noe.. oh well.. gotta get back to werk.. need to close my cash now (smiles)..

now.. tt was how it went abt.. and it did make me feel a WHOLE LOAD better.. like i said.. not tt i didn't enjoy werkin with him before all these shit happened.. i did.. honestly..

so now tt i've cleared one.. i gotta tink of another 2 ppl.. supposed to haf closures by end of last week.. as homework.. haha.. but i didn't really get down to it.. i will.. dun worry..

thanks to Nik.. fer bein right der fer me.. *hugZ*

do watch V Is For Vendetta coz itz superb.. i needed some explanation to wat Evey said during the endin.. and den it hit me.. and Nik was askin if i understood the show.. and he said tt itz somewhat similar to Matrix... if i can't really understand Matrix.. den i dun tink i would be able to understand tis show either.. but wen he further explained it to me.. i finally saw it..

havin dinner and the fact tt itz someone's first time at a place tt i thot he would noe better den me.. it was juz great..

movin on to the part where we were talkin by the beach.. it was of a slight emo experience..

i dunno.. i guess wat was told to me.. it sure makes sense... but fer me to piece the puzzle together..

ttz wat i can't do right tis moment..

it will take time..

but you still need to do it..

and when you've completed your puzzle..

you'll see your life before you.. and it will make you a better person..

self-appreciation..

confidence..

acceptance..

face your fear..

does bein complete means tt you are able to move on?

why?

isn't it possible tt you feel complete and yet not need to leave.

closure, he says.

loose ends. tie 'em up. and you'll feel complete and will be able to move on.

i began writin a new chapter in life without much closure of previous chapters.

would it be detrimental now tt i haven't had any?

i believed tt time will heal all wounds. doesn't it?

i convinced myself tt i've forgiven others. have i?

or rather, is it me whom i have not been able to forgive all this time.

watz my purpose of existence?

i haven't got tt figured out yet.

watz urs?

yesterday was simply fun coz i was ridin on my uncle's scrambler home after a session of bowlin with my aunties and uncles.. been a long time since i played and i thot i would be rusty and all.. but suprisingly, i did okay.. haha..

so yea.. another of my auntie found out tt i smoked.. coz she saw the box of ciggies in my bag wen i wanted to take my phone ffrom my bag.. shocked was her reaction..

so i was supposed to go home with my other auntie who lived in Punggol.. but wen i saw my uncle and found out tt he had an extra helmet with him, i grabbed the opportunity.. haha.. haven't gotten the chance to ride on his new bike.. he took me thru the Seletar route.. and wow.. der were like cars (Subaru and Honda etc) and bikes (CBR and R1 etc) all lined up along the road.. way too cool!

and i wanna get a bike license too! *prays real hard*

the news is out..

the monster will be leavin tis place..

somehow, it kinda made me feel wierd.. in a way incomplete.. not tt i did anythin to hurt him..

but itz the fact tt i did not make the first move to make things alrite..

itz sad to leave things hangin..

i guess rite now, things are better left untouched.. unspoken of..

no matter wat, i still wish him all the best at the other place..

maybe our paths will cross again.. and i hope tt it will be of a better circumstance..

coz i noe before all the shite happened.. i had a great time werkin with him..

ttz all in the past..

lookin forward to werkin with the new guy! lemme use my charms now eh.. haha!

I learned a lesson in my life
But I learned it the hard way
I don't know why
I used to fall in love
With the wrong kind
Then I suffer so much pain

But I only had myself to blame
maybe you came
In the nick of time to show me

Love doesn't have to hurt
To feel good
It's such a revelation
With you I can be myself
I know it should
Don't have to cry
Don't have to fight
Don't have to die
Night after night
Show me
Love (Love)
Doesn't have to hurt to feel good

...

From your eyes I have nothing to hide
...

Lying here beside you
Feels so fine
Talking about everything in this heart of mine

...

Thank you baby, thank you baby

-Love Doesn't Have To Hurt, Atomic Kitten

so i met up with Izad at Starbucks yest to pass him the Penal Code.. he was punctual and i wasn't..

as usual.. so yea.. we caught up and had loads to laugh abt.. well, at least i noe i did.. and den Sobah called me.. and i'll be meetin him on Fri fer lunch.. mmm..

and den while me and Izad were walkin off from Starbucks.. tis middle aged guy.. he was der talkin on his phone.. and wen we were approachin his direction.. he stopped his conversation and like said tis to me.. "i like your smile.. i like the way you laugh.. really.."

yea.. i freaked out.. dun tink Izad even realized tt the guy was talkin to me.. haha.. so yea.. i would have said thanks.. but den again.. if i were to do tt.. he mite juz rebutt and said somethin like.. "would you like to go home with me?"

hahaha.. yea, yea.. i noe.. too far fetched.. still.. i dunno wat mite happen should i be too nice to some strangers u noe..

mmm.. and den Shar msged me abt some wierd dream he had.. way too wierd.. den again.. itz always possible to make it happen dude.. haha..

Fiza msged me juz now and she was like.. wen is our outing again? mmm.. the other day, Eid msged me.. i dunno ladies.. will haf to wait fer my off day.. and den we'll plan sth out eh... maybe catch a movie or maybe we can be beach bums or sth.. haha..

and i wanna meet up with Vit.. and let her haf some of my TLC.. haha..

and den Rafi'i msged me.. askin wen is my off day.. he wanted to treat me to the drink (or shall i make it drinks instead?) he owed me from O Bar and prolly juz some excuse to meet up with me.. haha..

and den i got to call Shiddiq up and meet him to pass him his jacket.. oh wait, derz nth abt Shiddiq tt i've blogged abt eh.. haha.. another time den..

and den derz Sanesh, who's been buggin me.. i dun really like him but i gotta pretend i like him.. he's like buggin me to haf coffee with him..

i guess.. derz a lot of ppl i owe coffee time or stuff like tt.. due to my long workin hours and irregular off days.. i kinda put off meetin up sessions.. or rather some of em.. i juz make excuses not to.. heh.

Saturday..

wat else is der to describe it with other den juz one word..

WONDERFUL!

how else is der to describe wat i felt..

GREAT!

thanks fer makin me feel the way i feel rite now..
thanks fer makin sure tt i'm alrite each nite before i sleep..
my world's a wonderful place to be in now tt u're in it..
+kisSes+

check this out.. how i'm defined as in a dictionary.. like totally!!

Tan Nur Fadhilah -- [noun]: A dance involving little to no clothing 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

again, itz the weekend..

finally got to meet up with Shar on Friday after like sooo long.. haha.. we were like talkin abt the times tt we actually meet up and the times tt we stayed silent..

1. 2 mths after June 2004
2. Singapore Idol, October 2005
3. after Singapore Idol up to some time early 2005
4. before July 2005 up till like near end of 2005

well, look.. he MISSED 2 years of my bdae.. so, tt means tt he owes me 2 yrs worth of bdae prezzies.. oh and not forgettin, tis yr's.. so dude, be prepared for tis July coz i'm gona hunt u down.. haha..

we watched TransAmerica.. it was a tight decision between tt and Wolf Creek.. bein the indecisive us, i suggested tt we toss a coin.. had lunch-ner at Long John.. been a while since i ate Long John.. durin the show.. i can't help it.. but yea.. i can't believe tt it was all abt gays and trans.. i mean, i'm not discriminatin or anythin.. but hell, it was misleadin.. it said tt the show was abt someone's life journey.. and i felt somewhat cheated.. haha..

so yea, he may not haf added tis in his blog but tt dun mean i ain't gonna do it.. he stalled a MANUAL car like 3 FREAKIN TIMES throughout the day.. haha.. sowwie.. so yea, Faiz called me and asked me to pick him up and to bring him somewhere to have fun.. and den on our way der, Nik msged me tt he's bookin out instead of Saturday.. so we picked Nik up at Pasir Ris.. and den headed to town.. played air hockey.. I trashed Shar 11-5 and Faiz trashed Nik 10-5.. haha.. siblings rules! =D

after tt, we like walked here and there.. me and Faiz doin silly stuff as we walked.. and visited Hilton's toilet.. Faiz and Nik's failure in tryin to assasinate me from the corners where i can see em.. haha.. decided to head to Simpang to eat.. and yea.. after supper.. we ALL had the greatest shock ever.. which turned to anger and den to frustration and den to worry fer me..

things tt was significant throughout the nite:-
1. electricity charges
2. warm feelin over my palms
3. wierd feelin over my fingertips
4. cat
5. broken license plate
6. irresponsible motherfuckin idiots who fuckin hit my car and broke my fuckin license plate

last weekend went well.. i was lookin forward to Saturday coz ttz wen everythin was planned out nicely.. haha.. well, Saturday came early.. coz we were already out on Friday.. watched Rumour Has It.. mmm.. a romantic comedy tt does not have not humour.. contradictin.. it was a nice show afterall.. endin was nice.. she knew wat she wanted in the end.. after goin thru so much confusion in her life.. nice happy ending.. would you still stay frenz with someone who had sex with you, your ma AND your grandma..? i dunno.. haven't been der.. hahaha.. dun want to..

stayed up the whole nite to watch the nice nite view of Sengkang.. itz juz great.. my favourite spot wen i need to release some depression or anythin at all..

Saturday, we met up after the loong nite we had.. i drove to Bedok and then we went to Cineleisure to have some Japanese noodles.. it was nice.. tasted like maggie goreng as someone put it.. haha.. the cheese and all.. yummy! i was hungry tt nite coz i haven't eaten like fer 2 days.. but if you ask me now.. i can safely tell you tt i've eaten more than i can consume for like a week.. hahaha.. growin fat!!

played arcade fer a while.. i kinda suck at Daytona.. no matter how i drive in real life, i can nvr win in Daytona.. haha.. so yea.. we took the photo card.. it was nice but i was ugly.. haha.. crazy! wen was the last time i took it? it was with Hafiz.. and he still has mine.. gonna get it frm him soon.. speakin of which.. i haven't seen him fer like weeks already... gotta start fillin him up with details! hahaha.. and den it was the beach.. mmm.. i feel different tt nite.. i dunno y.. maybe coz my Auntie visited me the nite before and all.. but one thing i noe fer sure is i had my sign told to me tt nite.. a star shone amidst the clouds wen it was a very cloudy nite juz hours before.. was very tempted to dive into the water.. but no.. wouldn't want my daddy to scream at me fer makin his car wet would we..

*smileZ* thank you.. fer shinin out..

Sunday, i brought Fadli out.. was supposed to watch Fearless.. but wen we got to the theatre, we realised tt it was NC16.. haiz.. sad.. he was sooo lookin forward to watch it la.. in the end, we watched The Fog.. no biggie.. nth spooky.. pretty alright i guess.. after tt, he played some arcarde.. and den i kicked his ass at Daytona.. haha.. bully small kid eh.. yea yea..

Monday was Mary's farewell coz she's off to Scotts on the 1st.. decided to go to The One.. family karaoke lounge.. nth dirty.. haha.. GM was der.. and so were Aishah, Xueting, Xueyun, XQ, Weng and the Flowers of J8.. sang like crazy.. didn't haf much fun coz we were late.. and their last song was at 0240.. reached home almost 4 after sendin the sisters home.. got to haf my beauty sleep since i'll be doin inventory..

after inventory, me and Amaida headed down to Newton to have supper.. we talked.. well, i dunno.. juz needed her views and all.. i agree on one thing and not the other.. i believe tis time round it will be right.. tho it would take some time..

Nik came down to "suprise" me at work.. haha.. well, suprise suprise.. can't wait to see him again juz now.. and my staff can vouch fer tt.. how i was skippin in the kitchen.. and singin stupid songs.. haha.. well, i was again not myself.. i dunno.. maybe things on my mind.. maybe itz juz me.. u noe sometimes u juz feel down.. maybe depression.. hahaha.. i dunno.. well, one thing fer sure is tt i wun noe wen i'll be seein my anti-depressant again.. i hope itz soon..

*hugZ* u noe how i feel right at tis moment.