it was my ignorance tt is makin me feel tis way now.. it feels like fuck to noe tt u had ditched ur girlfren at the time wen she needed u most.. it brought me back to the times she was der fer me.. to stand up fer me.. to speak of my views fer me.. most of all.. to listen to me.. to wat i had to say..

i'm sorry fer wat i did to u.. i wanted u to have more rest and with tt in mind.. i failed to realise tt u needed someone to talk to.. someone fer u to let ur frustrations out on.. i had no intentions to dump u at all and i hope u understand tt..

i'm glad tt we made things clear.. and i am more den happy to noe tt it will not affect our frenship.. thanx.. please still noe tt i am here fer u.. watever it may be.. and sweetie.. like u tell me and everyone else.. it takes time.. u will get over it if u believe in lettin it go.. haf faith.. love ya.. *smilez*

The familiarity of the song spooks me.. sends shivers down my back..
Slapping me and bringing me back to the realms of reality..
And not of what i have been hoping to avoid from..
The truth before me.. with my face in my hands..
Just a need to clean up the vile mayhem that i'm caught in..

I don't want you.... to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me..
You never gave us a chance to be.
And I don't want you.... to be by my side
And tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you...... to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you.

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
I did enough to show you that
I was willing to give and sacrifice
And i was the one who was lifting you up

When you thought your life had had enough
But when I get close..... you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you.... to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me? Is it you?
Nothing that I can do
To make you... change your mind

Is it me? Is it you?
Nothing that I can do is it a..... waste of time?
Is it me? Is it you?
Nothing that I can do
To make you... change your mind..

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away? (What all do have to say?)
So why are you running away? (To make you admit your afraid)
Why are you running away?

- Running Away, Hoobastank

i haf no idea how long i took to edit the whole skin.. bein the computer idiot tt i am.. haha.. oh well.. i still remember who taught me to do up my first "If I Ain't Got You" skin.. heez.. now.. i am smarter.. i tink.. haha..

i dunno wat made me wanna change my skin.. i guess itz got to do with the new year and i figured tt.. comes the new year and resolutions (maybe) and feelings.. i thot tt it would be nice to do a makeover.. not fer myself sadly.. haha.. at least i get to see sth different on my blog.. hip hip hurray.. i haf no idea how many times the song has been repeatin itself.. kinda memorised the song already.. haha.. will try to see if i can upload more songs.. time to consult my blog guru..! haha..

anyway.. went out with Az and Ted and Adrian.. on Tues.. it was after sch.. haha.. can't believe i went down on a weekday.. alrite.. saw Ted wen he was not drunk.. haha.. and we had dinner at Cahaya.. and Ted's fren was der and i liked her hair.. itz like curls more to the dredlocks kind.. oh well.. i wun be able to maintain it anyway.. not bothered to actually.. haha.. and den we went to Tiki and saw Eric.. hmm.. wat a coincidence.. and Ted could play pool damn well.. and i kinda enjoyed myself.. with the cocktails.. haha.. and we went to eat at Lau Pa Sat.. tt was wen we were in the car.. on our way to send Eric home.. we saw a cab full of trans.. haha.. yes.. transvestites.. eew...! i can't stop screamin..! haha.. it was a horrible sight and they kept hittin at Ted and Eric.. yucks..! and we decided to play along with em.. and according to Az.. one of em actually flashed wen we kept pointin to Eric.. haha.. totally gross me out.. thank god i did not see it or else i tink i would have gotten sore eyes.. haha.. poor confused "men"!

i found out tt Ted loves sushi too.. hehe.. so next trip will be to Sakae ya Az..! yum yummy..! haha.. and watz all these plans i haf been hearin abt Eric's birthday..? on sat..? hmm.. keep it comin..!

oh wait.. before i allow myself to forget again.. IRWAN...! Happy Birthday to You..! Happy Birthday to You..! Happy Birthday to Irwan..! Happy Birthday to You..! haha.. hey Pakcik Laser.. havent seen u around in school.. i noe ur bdae was on Sunday.. sowwie i forgot abt it.. Happy Belated Birthday anyway.. missed ya powderful sarcasms.. of coz compared to mine.. haha.. anyway.. bein 22 tis year means tt u gotz to grow up and be more matured.. get a gf soon..! haha.. i can intro to u some nice aunties along the way.. anytime sweetie.. call me wen u feel lonely and i shall hook u and some nice old.. flabby auntie a date.. aren't i sweet..? haha..

aitez dude.. take care yar.. may ur life be filled with loads of beautiful ladies and boobies.. haha.. oh well.. stay the way u are always coz itz the little things tt makes u who u are..! Happy Belated Bdae once again and hope tt u enjoyed urself to the max..!

i had enuf already..!

watz up with Dila and her not bein able to get over her ex-boyfriend..? wat is it with her not bein fine with him ard..? who said she was not over him..? watz her problem..?

the thing is tt der is not a single problem at all.. wat happened was history.. it was 7 mths ago.. things are no longer the way it was and of course i am over it.. den again.. does it mean tt wen a relationship is over... u got to talk to ur ex...? i dunno.. so wat if he was ard.. i dun care and i dun give a damn.. whether i talk to him is not sth tt should be made into a big fuss.. i do noe tt my frenz care fer me.. but becoz u guys are my frenz... u guys should noe better.. i'm sorry tt things may be more awkward den not wen both of us are present.. but puhlease.. dun use tis as an excuse not to chill out together at all.. haiz.. i dun have anythin else to say.. it's juz frustratin..

"I can't believe that your wasting your time. Thought you could find your way back. You heard my story but heard it all wrong. Nothing... Well it's just so little and I can see through you. We know it will end. This distance is secret. It's seeping out my skin yeah. I was over it before but you brought me back to were I began. And I'm starting well again and I'll make you run to the end..."

- Over It, Rufio

finally der's nth else to do fer SIP.. like hell rushin thru my Report.. haha.. kinda regret the fact tt i have not put in my very best into finishin the Report.. den again every single time i tell myself i will not do anythin last minute.. i end up procrastinatin till i can't any further.. bad, bad attitude.. oh well.. who cares now rite..? everyone handed it up already and it's over for goodness sake.. but den the end of SIP means the beginnin of all the endless projects.. already had my first meetin fer IP and to be honest.. i still cannot werk alongside Calvin.. he sucks.. still the same domineerin idiot.. only tis time he's usin psychology.. he said.. tis is only a protocol fer our grp to do our werk.. but if some ppl can't werk tis way den it's alrite den.. and with tt he looked at me..

eh.. like fuck rite.. juz coz u are lazy to come to sch and classes dun mean we have to accomodate to u rite.. like u fuckin stay opposite sch lar.. and all oso u want to do urself.. den wat get all the marks urself.. and den dun come fer meetings and use the excuse of stayin up the whole nite to do the werk.. who fuckin asked u to do it alone...? like hello.. it's called grpwerk.. since everyone is agreeable to it.. wat can i do rite.. we shall see how it goes..

i wonder how the other grp meetin will be like.. Insurance..? hmm.. Sally, Jia Yu, John and of coz.. dear Zarina.. haha.. and yea.. Azila.. she like playin from the back.. haha.. John talks crap most of the time.. wonder whether he can do stuff at all anot.. prays hard tt he werks as hard as his mouth does..

and look.. in 7 hrs time.. i need to leave the comforts of my bed to take the NAPFA test.. haiz.. wat the hell.. i dun see the point of takin it lar.. especially fer us ladies.. we dun need to go fer NS anyway.. like Haider and Izad.. Adnan and Irwan.. Ling and Fen.. Apri..? of coz they all need to gauge emselves.. but fer us.. in wat way will a stupid NAPFA result slip benefit us...? damn.. should i go..? okie.. how abt tis.. knowin tt i will not be able to wake up early.. i shall go to bed slightly early.. and den.. if i can wake up miraculously, i shall go.. otherwise... i shall continue my beauty sleep and wake up with the sun shinin in my face.. how temptin..! =)

oh my.. wait... it's Eid's bdae today.. haha.. hey sweetie.. Happy 20th Birthday..! was sittin' ard with the guys the other day and we juz talkin abt whose bdae will be comin soon and treats comin our way.. haha.. anyway.. we can always negotiate on that.. heh.. so girl.. wishin ya all the best in the future.. may u meet ur Prince Charming soon.. haha.. and i hope it wun be any of our guys.. haha.. sorry dudes.. but she deserves better..! haha.. and i hope tt our frenship will last forever.. and ever ever.. and ever ever.. haha.. stay cheerie and pretty always..! muacks!

hmm.. sch started and honestly.. i have no freakin mood to study at all.. i have no idea why.. haiz.. pretty screwed up... me and Mel.. haiz.. damn shit we got ourselves into.. oh well... look at wat alcohol can do to u... haha.. got fucked upside down by everyone else.. juz my luck.. my ignorance and irresponsibilities...

been missin from class.. oh well.. today lar.. was feelin like crap.. i missed Bus Finance first quiz.. haha.. 7% of the whole coursework.. i hope i can cover tt up.. Azila called me juz to tell me tt the quiz was very easy and made me feel tt i should have juz gone to school.. shit.. oh well... rite now.. i hate Sampoerna.. not tt i really hate hate.. but i guess it was the reason why i was not feelin well.. damn.. haha.. i had a pack of Sampoerna menthol on Monday.. and after sch.. wen i met Hafiz.. i was feelin like total shit.. wanted to puke den cannot puke den got headache which dun seem to go away.. tried to contain it in me.. oh well.. den met up with Man, Mail, Ab, Mat, Alif, Najib and introduced them to Adrian.. it was a fun time i had.. tho Hafiz had to leave early to send Zainab home and after tt Mat and Najib left to lepak at Hafiz's place.. had an overdosage of Rhumba and Chocolate Cream.. yum yum.. Man being the irritating joker as normal.. Adi did not join us coz it was his brother-in-law's bdae.. great to see em again..

haiz... and Hafiz and Zainab.. it's a never ending game.. sometimes i wish i can end it fer em.. they seem to take turns makin the decision to leave each other.. i guess Hafiz has grown very attached to her.. and she very dependant on him.. sometimes i get tired of watchin em.. but den again.. he's like my own brother.. and whatever he does.. i try as much to support him.. and she on the other hand.. needs time and definitely lots of guidance to shape her to be a better person.. and i am not sure tt i wanna be the one she turn to now tt Hafiz is in camp.. i mean how nice can i be.. we dun talk often.. we dun see each other often tho we are in the same sch.. i juz dun see us communicatin... den again who am i to say tt thing should end.. they are old enuff to decide on Hafiz's part and on her part.. i tink she should start to behave maturely.. at least.. i'll try to be nice to her and try to be there when she needs me.. she is after all his girlfriend...

so yeah... was feelin better at sch on Tues.. but towards the end of the day.. i still feel the same shit.. haiz... went to Bugis and had dinner.. thot i could kill the weird feelin by eatin soupy stuff.. but i was wrong.. it got worse.. haiz.. i did not tink tt it was the Sampoerna coz i used to smoke it.. until i switched to Marlboro.. and it was really horrible.. it makes me keep wantin to puke but den i can't puke.. haiz.. and it got worse.. went to bed and did not study fer Bus Finance.. in the mornin.. i went to the clinic.. and guess wat.. when i told the doctor wat i was feelin.. she went.. when was ur last menses and it's not pregnancy is it.. i was like... no..... hahaha.. silly silly... after tt.. i kinda had the best medicine ever.. which was shoppin...! haha.. and der was the non-stop supply of sweets and tarts and pretzels.. haiz.. i am soooo growin fatter..! haha.. was pampered real bad.. and i dun tink it should be done too often.. heh.. i take things fer granted u noe.. haha..

rite now.. i still feel the weird feelin... haiz.. want dun want to puke.. eee.. and guys.. i havent touch a ciggie fer 53 hours.. hahah.. and i still am countin..! someone got to quit if i can.. so betta be ready kiez.. =P maybe i should.. hmm.. and goodness... somebody save me from this feelin i am havin.. gimme a cure, make me feel better and i'll marry u...! haha.. p/s: offer to the princes and dukes only.. gentlemen maybe.. registration starts now..!

Happy New Year ppl..! it's 2005.. been a helluva party year for 2004.. well not fer the beginnin of it lar.. it was the time of heartbreak fer a couple of us.. it was the moment of independence fer most of us.. it was when we shared great memoirs from lepaking in sch or Haider's place or Az's place or goin fer movie trips or eatin at Seoul Garden or eatin Tom Yam at JB etc etc.. it's been a great journey fer me.. fer havin u guys in my life.. really appreciate it loads.. many many thanks to those who speak little yet listened with eir whole heart.. many many thanks to those who gave me words of encouragement.. many many thanks to those who opened my eyes.. i can nvr thank u guys enuff.. the list may go on.. but u guys get me.. it's frenz like u ppl tt makes life a wonderful journey to embark on..

in 2004.. der were many things tt i wished i had not done.. but to tink tt it has all been in the past and der is nth tt i can do abt it.. it kinda brought regrets.. tis i heard frm a lot of ppl.. learn frm ur past mistakes and it'll make u a better person which will bring u a brighter future.. i am still tryin.. but i wun noe till i actually come across a similar path.. tis is much to my character and personality.. family wise.. yeah.. i did screw up a couple of times.. but i still love my family.. my daddy wanted me to tone down on partyin.. we talked.. and i still did not budge.. he gave up.. but he still knows tt i will not neglect my family.. my feelings.. yes.. was confused.. maybe still am.. but i gotta set my priorities right.. i gotta set it straight.. i could have been more brave and taken the risk.. pls note tt it is "could have been".. it's in 2004.. i gotta let it go.. it would not have worked.. true.. i dunno now fer sure.. but i am not willin to take the risk and spoil whatever der is now.. my health.. not in the very good state.. hahaha... oh well.. it's only a matter of time... assurance given to most ppl i noe.. Jacky.. thanks fer ur concern and i appreciate it loads.. Liying and Bryan.. stop naggin at me.. we'll talk wen sch starts.. see u guys at Design.. i noe i noe.. haha.. and Izad.. u noe wat i wanna say.. haha.. financially.. i have been independent.. i learnt to spend more and more especially after werk at David Rasif & Partners.. with Az and Roz.. u will not go home earlier den 3.. haha..

i enjoyed myself totally last year.. and i wish fer more of such to come.. and ppl.. in less den 4 more mths.. we'll be graduating.. gotta start tinkin of wat we wanna do after tt.. how abt a week trip to Australia...? haha... i bet Az and Azila will agree to tis.. heez.. no lar.. maybe we can have a short trip to our neighbour's island or sth like tt.. how abt Tioman.. Pangkor.. or Redang.. maybe Bintan.. hmm.. i see plans fer 2005 trips comin up...! =)