all gone. gone.

it's been a long while since i had any entries. who reads my blog anyway.

today is Day 1 of singlehood again. after 4 long years. it is the day that i have been waiting for and keeping in, for a month. since 28th April, the day he left for USA and the day that i found out about all the lies, the affair(s) and so much more. for a month, i have been pretending that everything is fine and dandy, just so that i can tell it to his face that i'm leaving him. people asked, why didn't you just tell him when you found out? why put yourself through this?

because i did not want to give him the benefit of not facing me after all that he has done.

it felt like i was in a really bad movie. or a dream. that i will wake up the next day, laughing myself silly about what had happened. the only difference is that, i woke up the next day feeling worse than i had the night before.

his journal, his twitter and his email. they told me all the "whats". i don't need to know the "whys". i don't need to know his reasons. he did what he did. they were so gross that i cannot stomach anything. i went through a "bulimic" phase where i will purge out anything i ate. i lost 3 kg in a matter of 3 weeks. i pretended that i was happy but inside, i was broken. much too broken. i managed to get through the month with the help of my friends. they were around more than i can ever ask for. thank you. you know who you are.

it hurts to know all that i know now but at this moment, i am more numb than anything else. i have cried too many nights. i became someone i did not know. i lost myself in the midst of trying to make things work, for the past 6 months. in fact, i don't even know when i lost me.

i'm looking forward to finding me again. i will become a stronger person at the end of all these. not a stronger person because of him but for myself. it is what i owe myself, at the very least. hope to see you soon, new me.