6 more days to the end of November.

itz been quite an emotional mth fer me. frm all aspects of my life. and thoughout the whole mth, i cld only remember all the bad things tt happened.

each entry i wrote only speaks of the emotional turmoil i had in me. they only speak of the days i had so bad. they only tell the story of a confused me.

what do i haf left in me tt i can look forward to?

how else can i get any means of motivation frm?

what do i haf left to be done?

it all seems so fake. i dun seem to be able to feel anymore.

i was on urgent leave on Saturday.. sth tragic happened on Friday.. sth way unexpected.. tragic it was, and yet i was not at the slightest bit affected by it.. i msged my fren juz now, tellin him wat happened..

i'm so sorry to hear tt.. are u doin okay now?

yea, i am.. i feel wrong coz i'm not affected by it at all..

hey it's alright.. we all react differently in different situations..

do we? it was as if i was numb.. i cldn't feel anythin.. did i numb myself so i wun be emotionally drained? how cld sth like tt meant nth to me.. i can't stop feelin bad tt way..

maybe, juz maybe i was.. coz recently, i've made myself to.. the numbness juz comes along wen i started to reduce the expectations.. pls tell me itz not right.. someone.. anyone..

*silence*

after thinkin, i kinda believe tt wen ur actions change.. it changes ur mindset.. hence, who u are.. true, ur actions change coz u are aware of the consequences it'll bring.. and at the same it brings awareness to ur mind.. after time and time of constant awareness, ur mind acts the way u made it to.. therefore, u change.. so, tt means tt u can change urself no matter at which point of ur life..

i've been very hard on myself fer the past few days.. yesh.. and as a result of tt, i go to werk like a monster.. okie, not so.. but yea.. u get it.. i still fear.. yes, i do.. and fer all the reasons der are, itz unhealthy.. very.. urgh! enuf of all tis stuff already..

Convenant was an okay show with a predictable plot.. one thing abt it is.. the hero shldn't haf been Steven Strait.. tho he is a model too.. instead it shld haf been TAYLOR KITSCH! he's so much more good lookin.. hell of a great body.. damn Renny Harlin, he made the wrong choice..

and Step Up has made me even more eager in findin a partner to pick up all the groovy moves.. haha.. position is still available ppl!


gorgeous Taylor Kitsch..


oooh la la...

i need to cut myself some slack.. and i'm grateful tt i haf my boyfriend.. i'm blessed tt our paths crossed.. despite all the aches i've given him, he's been the bestest ever.. i appreciate every bit of it.. and i love u so much baby..

and der i was thinkin tt if i dun do the things i did then, things wun go wrong.

so where and wat did i do ttz not right.

wat is wrong with me.

i ain't got much to say.. juz how different things could be within tt short period of time..

and who would haf thot tt it was juz fer a visit to the hospital..

juz walk away.

first, itz damn sad wen one's kindness and compassion is repaid with another's ungratefulness and disregard.. well, my perception of u has now changed.. u only got urself to thank..

second, okie.. i was harsh.. simply coz i needed to make my point.. fer the hundreth time.. make sure it stays..

thirdly, do not get urself into sth tt u're not ready fer.. u deserve 2 knocks in the head if it happens again..

fourth, stop thinkin abt urself.. like hello, the world doesn't only revolves ard u..

fifth, talkin abt the past is nothin to me.. maybe u dunno.. like i said, i'm over it.. over u..

sixth, not feelin me.. i wish i had other things to blame other den the fuckin PMS.. maybe der is, i'm juz not acceptin it in my system..

lastly, i need to fuckin clean my room..

ladies night out! it was crazy.. seriously! wen times were different long time ago, i would be the one hookin up wenever we club.. so yea.. last night, the tables got turned! real wild! okie, not tt i wasn't happy tt she was havin fun.. but still, limits huh.. hahaha.. right! tt comin frm me.. it so dun sound any bit serious.. we sure had lotz of fun.. i was shocked to see a whole grp of mats and minahs.. i mean, it was Rouge.. dun they go to Momo or sth.. or maybe they're underage.. haha.. and den derz the ang mohs.. i am keen on takin up dance classes.. very much.. u noe, the waltz or the tango or better still.. salsa! hott stuff! any one wanna be my partner?! weee!

sometimes, i juz dun understand.. why is it tt ppl can't accept solutions to their problems ttz smacked right in the middle of their face.. be realistic.. be versatile.. if things can't go the way u want to.. den embrace the deal ttz given to u.. why do humans like to make things complicated fer themselves.. and den claim tt life's cruel and unfair? think simple.. acknowledge the paths u've chosen and the decisions u've made tt lead u to the circumstance tt u are in now.. be responsible fer ur actions.. itz always easier to push the blame.. hell yea.. who can't do tt? even an idiot can do tt.. but can u be a responsible idiot at the very least?! am i wrong?

grow up.