hmm.. was it initiation or juz an excuse.. i dunno.. i mean like after the Singapore Idol nite.. it seemed like juz awkward.. maybe it was on my part.. tt i had not initiated like before.. i'm sorry itz kinda hard fer me.. u should noe.. haiz.. abt the excuse.. of coz i knew tt it was not along the way.. but yeah.. it was nice havin companion on the road home.. i did not noe how to approach the situation anymore.. so i guess one way which i can do well is to avoid.. i am afterall an avoider.. oh well.. i juz wanna apologise fer not initiating.. i hope u understand and due to the tight schedule tt i had during my attachment.. somehow.. after reading tis again i find it lame.. yea.. and i still hope tt we can keep in contact tho it wun be as often anymore.. oh yea.. i said hi to Ida wen i saw her at Tamp Interchange the other day.. hah..

decided to change my skin yet again due to some technical complications tt i faced which i had no freakin idea how to correct.. and not forgettin the never ending song tt is continuously playin which is gettin on my nerves.. hahaha.. now.. kinda like tis skin coz itz simple and nice..

hanged out with the mats juz now.. Hisham came down from home.. met Man earlier coz he wanted to get some stuff fer his parents' anniversary.. how sweet.. and he still owes me a Rhumba and cheesecake.. Alif came down and it was nice meetin him again.. somehow today the atmosphere was slightly dampened due to the emotional depressional state tt Man was in... he was still the crappy dude i noe.. Hisham said tt i called him down but nvr talked.. like rite.. haha.. wat does he want me to do..? personal counsellin session..? i already forgo my fees wen Man consulted me.. not gonna do it again.. hah.. oh well.. Adi came down later and it was funny lookin at both Adi and Hisham talked.. it was awkward.. especially on Hisham's part.. he dun seem to want to talk to Adi.. i mean they had their differences.. maybe still do.. but Adi was tryin so hard to chat and pretend to be alrite and all.. but Hisham.. he was juz bein himself.. the anti-social guy i had always known.. haha.. left at abt 12 and Man was still depressed.. chill dude.. life is unfair.. and let nature takes its course.. it'll be fine in a matter of time.. found out tt Alif will be havin a gig on 27 March at Paradigm.. but damn.. itz black metal.. would like to bring Faiz to the gig tho.. hmm.. letz see how things go..

before i left sch... saw Az, Sof, Apri, Izad and Zila outside the library.. chilled with em fer a while and it brought back memories of times wen we all juz slacked and kid ard.. miss those times loads.. was total havoc.. tho the Chinese girl on the next table was bein irritating.. didn't really wanna bother with someone who's jealous of us havin pure fun.. bitch..

funny how juz 8 months ago i was hangin out with a fren.. and to look at things now.. how often do we even msg each other.. we used to meet every week.. like after my werk and all.. it was great company on the short trip home.. and the often long chats on msn.. how often do we do tt now..? i dun even noe how's he gettin on along with his life... it feels weird.. and juz the other day on Thurs.. i saw Liying and Bryan.. wen was the last time i sat down and talk to em.. it was awkward.. coz all they asked was whether i was still smokin.. and yes i still am.. it became so alien.. it was different.. she told me to quit it and i said it'll be a matter of time.. we didn't even get to really talk.. those times wen she was der fer me.. takin me fer retail therapy wen i was really low.. and wen i was in the outmost state of depression.. right now.. it's hard fer me to even talk to her.. and i mean really talk..

wen was the last time i saw Rach..? it was almost 2 months ago.. and we were supposed to go on a shoppin trip.. and i nvr got down to msging her as to wen i am free.. i wonder how's school gettin along fer her.. NTU's tough.. i heard.. and how much do i noe abt her sufferings in school.. the last i heard was tt she passed her license.. now we can date fer a shoppin trip with a car.. =D and sendin Ted off at the airport on Fri.. it was funny coz we were all there to see him fly, but not fly.. haha.. well he managed to in the end.. he was like supposed to fly off on Thurs nite and not Fri nite.. and on Wed we hung out at East Coast and it was pure fun.. lookin at Ted drunk and his cute manners.. oh well.. i still want the pics.. and so i saw how closely bonded Az and Ted were.. it was heart-wrenchin to see Ted go.. it made me think of Hafiz.. thank goodness he stays sooo damn close to me.. i'd die if he were to live outside of S'pore.. no way.. i'd give the world den to give up my best fren.. and because of this.. it made me feel bad.. coz it showed tt i have been takin him fer granted.. the rare sms-es tt i sent him and the few times tt we met up... haiz..

friends.. they all come and go.. but this does not mean tt they will stop caring wen their calls and sms-es stops.. everyone has their own lives to live and coz of this we tend to neglect our friends who cares.. whom we were close to.. u may have all the excuses in the world not to meet up but nvr have an excuse not to care.. i would understand if my friends were not to call me as often as before coz i believe they have their own obligations the same way i do.. and because of this.. i would like to believe tt they will be der fer me the same way tt they noe i will be der fer them.. G-15 --> not a reason at all fer the great distancing behaviour tt everyone seems to be adopting.. we still care.. i noe u do.. to all my sweet lovin frenz whom i have ignorantly neglected all these while.. tho we may not be smsing and callin each other as often.. pls do noe tt i care and still love u loads.. remember tt i will always be here fer u..

Happy Valentine's Day to one and all.. may u enjoy the rest of the day with ur loved ones..

1. Soffie & Abdillah
2. Vic & Hubby
3. Lili & Helmi
4. Elainne & Mr. Policeman
5. Ricky & Elannor (is tt how u spell it? haha)
6. Ivan & Ms. Petite
7. Rach & Sam
8. Hafiz & Zainab
9. Fiza & Mr. Eurasian
10. Dollah & Law
11. Amir & Shireen..

to the rest who i may haf forgotten.. sorry sweets.. still hope tt u guys enjoy ur day.. let it be filled with lotza luurve and kisses.. and oh.. remember to at least use protection huh.. hahah.. *winks*

yesh.. i received a msg frm some kind soul wishin me good nite and sayin tt i was uncontactable and it has been sometime since he saw me online.. *winks* hmm.. thanx fer ur concern.. oh well.. my daddy was late in makin the payments fer Starhub hence the short disappearance.. wat else is new.. sheesh..

now tt i am back.. wanna wish Mail a Happy 20th Birthday.. it was on 1st Feb.. and yea.. was kinda upset with the fact tt the rest of the group did not want to meet up.. should i say not bothered to.. i dunno.. maybe Adi and Mail were havin their test week.. den again.. at least u could take the effort to organise sth with me.. tis the reason why i am not so interested in havin such stuff coz the guys are simply not bothered to.. and den they will call as and wen they want to.. like wat the hell.. sorry peeps but really.. it's not as tho we meet every single day.. and like wen was the last time we all went out..? 2 mths ago.. tink abt it and lemme noe..

current position : unknown
it sucks not to noe watz goin on and yet to be aware of the fact tt there are a lot of tension goin on.. all ard u.. itz a horrible feelin to be in tis place coz it makes u feel left out and alien.. and den u can see ppl goin in different directions.. watz happenin.. and den u are caught in the middle with no idea of wat to say at all.. get me out of tis.. somehow.. itz a familiar feelin to what happened to me 5 yrs ago.. itz all the same.. i dun wanna go thru it again.. separation.. isolation..

current standing : middle person
is it mere care or just pomposity.. is it wat u call concerned or pure possessiveness.. could it be tt he's worried abt her.. or could it be tt he wants her to have an easier life now tt she's werkin.. or could it be coz of his darn ego.. maybe he truly cares.. is it worth it to argue over small matters.. not talkin fer days.. hate bein the middle person.. and wen she talks.. itz only to me even wen he's der.. wierd.. i dun wanna take sides.. juz here to listen.. but hell where is all this leadin to.. basically nowhere..

All I know is everything is not as it's sold but the more I grow the less I know.. And I have lived so many lives though I'm not old.. And the more I see, the less I grow.. The fewer the seeds the more I sow...

Then I see you standing there wanting more from me.. And all I can do is try.. Then I see you standing there wanting more from me.. And all I can do is try...

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness and all the real people are really not real at all.. The more I learn the more I cry.. As I say goodbye to the way of life.. I thought I had designed for me...

Then I see you standing there wanting more from me.. And all I can do is try.. Then I see you standing there.. I'm all I'll ever be but all I can do is try...

All of the moments that already passed.. We'll try to go back and make them last.. All of the things we want each other to be.. We never will be and that's wonderful, and that's life.. And that's you, baby.. This is me, baby.. And we are, we are, we are, we are.. Free.. In our love.. We are free in our love...

- Try, Nelly Furtado