the weather is cold. i'm feeling even colder inside. my head aches. my heart aches more.

all i wanted was your support. not an arguement. it was just how i was feeling. am i asking for too much. or are you giving too little. think about it.

i would love to wake up to breakfast in bed..

i would love to sit by the beach and read a romance novel..

i would love not to do anything but just rolling in bed with you..

it's been long since i could smell the freshly cut grass.. especially after it rains..

i'm tired, i'll slowly paint the picture above in my mind and hope that it'd put me to bed..

to me, it's not judging.. it's an intuition.. and i trust my intuition.. though it contributes to much of the pessimism in me, i would still choose to believe myself.. a woman's intuition, a mother's instinct.. it's one and the same.. we, women get it and we know for sure it's true..

and if i don't like you means i don't.. i was being fair because i did tell myself that i would try to get to know you.. but hell, you smell really like rotten fish.. damn.. i need to curb my words.. i'm sorry but yea.. i don't normally get such feelings so, maybe i just didn't handle it that well.. in actual fact, i don't really handle my emotions well either.. heh..

*i love you*

one of my unknown new year's resolution was to quit smoking.. believe it or not.. and yet, i succumb to going into 7-11 to purchase a pack of Marlboro Menthol Lights each time i go to work.. and on Wednesday, 17th January, i woke up again (countless of mornings) with the pain in my chest.. i made up my mind then to stop.. yeah.. stress and fear of putting on the pounds and other what not(s).. but smoking helped in the short term.. and in the long term.. my chest began to hurt.. i'm onto my 6th day and i hope it goes on.. because i don't want to be a smoking parent and i don't want to quit only after being diagnosed with cancer or anything else for that matter..

and look.. i'm officially off the probation period for driving! 16th January remember?! wee! this means that i have more demerit points to play with! hahaha.. speed-devil!

i'm beginning to have doubts about what lies ahead for me.. and i thought i had my mind set.. and yet i'm feeling pretty shaken just by a little breeze.. it can't be me.. where is that person i knew who knew what she wanted? where is that person i knew who would not let anything hinder her from getting what she wants.. where is that person i knew who was not afraid to take the leap.. where is that person i knew who was focused with her goals? where is that person?

have i lost all the strength? has all the determination in me gone with the wind? and as time goes by, i thought i was growing stronger.. am i growing weaker instead? and i thought i was hardened by life's experiences.. am i still that soft hearted? and i thought i was determined enough to go on with the decision i've made.. am i reconsidering my options?

i can't let their words affect my judgement.. i can't let it stop me.. i know what i need.. and i know i don't need their help in changing my mind..

i miss the old me..

i just received a message from a friend on Friendster.. guess what.. it was one of those chain letters.. it turned me off immediately, i didn't bother reading on..

God will bless you with good fortune if you send this to 30 people..

you're not a true friend if you don't send this to all your friends..

lose your loved one if you don't send this out..

blah, blah, blah.. like hell, i sure do not want to lose a loved one.. but i, for one know that this is definitely not the way i will lose them.. how old are you to believe in such things? 10? 11? goodness.. find something else better to do.. and if you really are my friend, do me a favour and not forward me those emails or sms or whatever.. thanks..

on a lighter note, karaoke didn't happen.. so me, Nik, Erfen, Az and Sof watched A Last Dance instead.. pretty mind boggling with the twists and all.. but yea.. it was a good show nonetheless.. dinner was great.. we ate at New York, New York.. good food and definitely the people's choice to have birthday celebrations..

Nik and i watched School of Scoundrels.. met In and Ain.. found out that they were watching the same show.. what a coincidence right? hell yea.. =) it was a nice show too.. i like the twist.. and i hate the bad guy.. he's so bad, he makes me want to jump behind the screen and slap him.. haha.. this is the second time that we've watched 2 movies in a day.. fun, fun..

back to work tomorrow.. i can't wait for Monday.. it's the time where i get to know what lies ahead for me.. till then, sweet dreams all..

*i totally love you*